When You Can’t Find the Toolbox
Simple nervous system resets for when you feel overwhelmed
There are so many self-care tools out there, and you might already have a few go-tos in your “toolbox.” But there are moments — when you're really struggling, overwhelmed, and your nervous system is in overdrive — when accessing those tools feels impossible.
Your brain shifts into survival mode, cutting off access to the prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain responsible for planning and reasoning). Your body locks into fight-flight-freeze. Logic disappears. You can’t think straight. You can’t “just breathe.” You can’t snap out of it.
So you push through the day, keep yourself busy, distract yourself — because productivity feels like control. But pushing through is a form of avoidance. It doesn’t let your system settle. It often makes things worse.
I’ve been there so many times. And in those moments, I knew there were things that could help, but I couldn’t remember them. I couldn’t even find the toolbox.
So I had to create an “emergency switch” — a few simple ways to snap myself out of a stress spiral.
Yes, deeper nervous-system repair takes time. But there are fast practices that can calm your body and bring you back to baseline.
Below are the ones that have helped me the most.
Awareness
While this alone likely won’t do the trick, it’s a place to start. Just stop. Pause and recognize that you’re dysregulated. You’ll know if your breathing is shallow, you feel tension in your body, or your thoughts are racing. You may also be irritable, fearful, or frustrated. Simply labeling what you’re feeling (“I’m stressed,” or “I feel overwhelmed”) is grounding in itself.
Contrast Breathing
There are many types of breathwork practices, but this is the one that works best for me when I need to quickly self-regulate. It incorporates what is called the “physiological sigh.” This technique has an immediate calming effect on the nervous system, with lots of neuroscience research to back it up.
Here’s how I understand it: contrast breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which calms the body and reduces stress and anxiety by slowing the heart rate and lowering blood pressure. It increases oxygen exchange as the second inhale inflates the tiny air sacs in your lungs that may have collapsed, maximizing oxygen intake and helping to calm and balance the nervous system while improving energy production at the cellular level. And the long sigh helps you efficiently expel excess carbon dioxide, preventing it from building up in the blood, which can otherwise contribute to tension or panic.
Here’s the technique I use:
Take two quick, consecutive inhales (I find breathing through your mouth has a more intense and faster effect). Make the first inhale big and the second smaller, aimed at “topping off” your lung capacity.
Exhale strongly and fully through your mouth. The exhale should be powerful and deliberate, emptying your lungs completely so you make a sighing sound.
Gradually increase the speed of this pattern for about 30 seconds.
Take a big, full inhale through the mouth and slowly exhale about 75% of the air out, then hold your breath for as long as you can (taking sips of air if necessary — which I try not to allow myself to do).
Repeat the whole cycle two or three times.
This practice completely clears my mind and relaxes me so much that I often forget what I was so stressed about in the first place!
I do it regularly during stressful times, and I also practice other types of breathwork in a yoga class I go to every week. The instructor has some amazing tips and tutorials on his Instagram account, @davidmagone, if you’re interested.
Movement
When I am feeling wound up and too restless to lie down and do breathwork, movement helps me quickly release pent-up energy. Even a quick 10-minute walk makes a noticeable impact.
I’m sure you’ve heard that exercise significantly reduces stress levels by releasing endorphins, which boosts your mood.
It also helps break the cycle of rumination, enhances mental clarity, relaxes tense muscles, lowers stress hormones, and improves oxygen flow, calming the nervous system and reducing anxiety.
My favorites are:
A brisk walk outside: Being out in nature helps lower cortisol levels and promotes relaxation.
Dancing: Put on your AirPods and jump around to your favorite music — something upbeat — and turn it up loud. I listen to alternative rock or ’90s hip-hop, the music I listened to as a teenager. Something about that music transports me and helps me connect to myself. You might feel a little silly; I usually end up laughing at myself. But that’s kinda the whole point.
Shaking: Put on some primal music, jump up and down, and shake your entire body. It might (will) feel ridiculous at first, but it’s incredibly freeing and fun. Shaking helps release pent-up emotions, relax tight muscles, and enhance body awareness and mindfulness. Primal music — think repetitive beats, tribal drumming, or chanting — deeply connects you to the rhythmic nature of your body, evoking an instinctive response and grounding you. All it takes is one song for me: “Dinner at the Sugarbush” by Brent Lewis.
Rebounding: Yes, jumping. I have a small rebounder/trampoline, and I have so much fun bouncing on this thing! There are many benefits to rebounding. It promotes lymphatic drainage, enhances circulation, increases oxygen flow to the brain (which can improve mental clarity and focus). AND a NASA study found that 10 minutes of vigorous rebounding burns as many calories as a 30-minute run.
You might prefer other types of movement like running, tai chi, lifting weights, yoga, etc. I say do whatever works for you that’s quick and easily accessible.
Water
Immersion in water — whether in a pool, lake, ocean, or bath — can stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, helping to calm the mind. The soothing feeling of being weightless combined with gentle resistance can enhance circulation, promote mindfulness, and provide a sense of renewal and well-being.
I don’t live near water, nor do I have a pool or cold plunge, so I opt for a bath. When I was a new mom overwhelmed with a cranky toddler, a good friend gave me the sage advice to “put a crab in water.” Works for kids, works for adults.
I take a hot bath with Epsom salt and bubbles. And when I’m done, I always stay in the tub as the water drains. I imagine my stress going down the drain with the water.
Binaural Beats
For the times I am unable to take a break from my daily responsibilities and don’t have the time or space to be alone to do one of the options above, I listen to binaural beats. I use the app Brainwave — 37 Binaural Series.
I choose either the “Reduce Anxiety,” “Stress Reduction,” or “Positive Mood Boost” setting and set it for 30 minutes, then let it play while I go about my usual activities — work, cleaning the house, cooking, walking, meditating, whatever. It’s something you can do easily and somewhat covertly, and it works wonders.
I don’t totally understand how it works, but from what I’ve read, there are two tones of slightly different frequencies (one played in each ear) that cause the brain to perceive a third frequency or “beat.” (So you need to listen with headphones or AirPods to get the full effect.)
Your brainwave activity syncs or aligns with this beat, helping to induce a state of relaxation, focus, or sleep. This process is called brainwave entrainment, and it can reduce stress, enhance concentration, and improve mood depending on the beat you choose.
Connection
Call a friend. Call your mom. Reach out to someone you trust — a supportive person. Even just a quick chat or hug can help.
Human connection naturally promotes co-regulation and helps calm your body and mind while reinforcing feelings of safety, comfort, and belonging.
I cannot tell you how many times I called my best friend, my mom, and my sister during my divorce. I would be spiraling, and just hearing their voice and a few words of encouragement helped me balance my emotions and calm down.
I would often feel guilty for burdening them, but that’s literally what friends and family are for. And I will continue to pay it forward with others in my life who are struggling.
Now, I’m not a therapist but, in my opinion, if you are finding yourself having to use these emergency switches often, there is deeper work to be done.
Your nervous system needs repair, and that takes time and, very often, assistance from others.
I’ll have suggestions for that deeper work in future posts.
