When the Grenade Is You

Choosing yourself (then figuring out who that even is)

“Sometimes you don’t know you’re going to throw a grenade until you’ve already pulled the pin.”
— Sea of Tranquility, Emily St. John Mandel

It was somehow both a long time coming and a snap decision. I knew what I needed to do, had to do, but I also felt that I shouldn't. It wasn’t what “good women” do. It wasn’t acceptable. It wasn’t “right.”

I didn’t tell anyone what I had been struggling with. For years. Some close to me suspected, but no one thought I would actually do it. Not even me. But I just couldn’t live that way anymore.

Divorce. There, I said it. Once I said it out loud, there was a rush of relief. Euphoria, even. I had finally done it. The weight had lifted.

That sense of power and pride wore off quickly. I was left stunned, uncertain, unsure of myself. Not about the decision itself, I knew it was right. And that has been validated over and over again. But emotionally, I reverted to a younger version of me. A little girl who didn’t believe she was strong enough, smart enough, capable enough to walk this unknown path alone.

It was easy to blame him for making me feel that way. Isn’t that what we do? Look for someone or something outside ourselves to blame? But that’s never the whole story.

For years, as I agonized over this decision, I was also struggling with a deeper question: Who am I? I truly did not know. And worse, I believed the parts of myself I did know weren't good enough.

I was good at being who I thought people wanted me to be. But that was a quieter, watered-down version of myself. I hid who I truly was because I believed no one would possibly want to know her. I told myself I was weak. Not smart enough. Not interesting enough. Not “good” enough. I was so full of self doubt.

And living like that was eating me alive — mentally and physically.

Call it a crisis. A midlife crisis, cliché as that sounds. But when you’re in one, even a “small” crisis feels enormous.

I was searching for anything that would help me feel better. All I wanted was peace. And I would have done anything to feel it. I tried everything — every self-help tool, every “self-care” practice I could find.

I had always thought self-care was indulgent and selfish. And good women are not selfish, right?

But what I learned is the opposite: self-care isn’t selfish, it’s essential. It’s the key to surviving a crisis, discovering who you truly are, and ultimately loving yourself. That love is what leads to peace.

You could call it an awakening. An “aweirdening,” perhaps? And I began a path of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and self-love through self-care.

Everyone’s path is different. You find what works through trial and error.

And I don’t think the path ever ends. There’s no final destination. We grow, then we outgrow, then we grow again.

In this blog, I’ll share what I’ve learned and tried on my journey toward peace in hopes that it helps you on yours.

You won’t always be able to hold yourself in that peaceful place. You’ll slip. You’ll repeat old patterns. You’ll get stuck. And you will feel defeated.

But if you’ve built a self-care toolbox, even just a small one, you’ll learn how to reset. And each time, you’ll find your way back faster.

Promise.